November 14th, 1980 – Friday

I just don’t understand things. So many people are fucked up. Why am I so happy here? How come I have no complaints? I know the school system is screwed up – disorganized. I know that the courses aren’t very demanding. I know all that shit! But shit – I am happy here. I think I can get what I want here. I don’t care if the courses aren’t tough enough. The extra clubs and organizations make up for all that. How come I can see that and appreciate it while others can’t? I think that the people who want to leave are leaving for the wrong reasons. They are either too homesick, too hung up with a boy/girlfriend at home, or they are too hung up on themselves – so they blame the school.

Lisa decided yesterday that she wanted to leave. So, she packed her things. They’ve all been sent away, the room is almost bare. She is leaving tomorrow morning. For good. She isn’t even staying to finish the term – no credits. What a waste of time and money.

I don’t even want to talk about it. I’m so pissed at people. And I have so many fucking questions going through my head.

Like, how come I am happy with myself? I don’t feel insecure or immature or scared or self-conscious, etc. I have “peace of mind”. I never understood what that meant before – but now I do. Because I feel it. I feel that I can be honest with myself. And with others. Of course, I can’t say I have been totally honest with others, because I haven’t told Popper about Craig. But inside my head I’m being honest about how I feel about them and where the relationships are heading. As far as I’m concerned everything is under control and I’ve got my shit together.

Sometimes I wonder when things are gonna fall apart. These feelings can’t go on this long and be so good. Something is bound to happen. Something has got to fuck up. Shit – I don’t want it to. I want to feel this good all the time.

Of course there are days when I will get depressed and be a bummer. But that is within me – I will handle that separately from the things that surround me. If my surroundings start to crumble around me, then I’ll be in trouble. One upset will lead to another and another. And eventually there will be disaster. The surroundings are sometimes out of my reach. I can’t control other people and their emotions. I can’t control a lot of these sort of things – actually I can’t control any. But right now, every piece of life’s intricate puzzle seems to be in place and fitting  snugly.

I guess I’m trying to say that there are two worlds for me – my environment and my “inner being”. They have to be dealt with in tow different ways. I feel that I can handle my inner part, at least at this point in my life. But, like I said, the environment is out of my reach. To a certain extent. People always say that if you wan to be happy, you have to make yourself happy. I mean, make things work for you in order to be happy. I agree with that, but life isn’t that fucking simple. Am I making sense? I know what I want to say, but I’m having such trouble expressing it.

I want to read this to someone. Not have them read it. But me read it to them. I will feel a lot better. I want to hear myself say this – express it – out loud to someone who will listen. Someone who knows me. Maybe Craig will listen…

“If everyone was listening, ya know, There’d be a chance that we could save the show”

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